This House

In exactly 1 month, I will have lived in Northern California for exactly nine years, nine years!!!!! That doesn’t sound like a long time, but for me, I am almost a decade into my dream life and the life I have worked hard (no, actually it has been insanely easy) to create.

This old ranch house has been the home my three children have lived in the longest in their precious lives. These walls have seen laughter for days, first jobs, first kisses and first heartbreaks.  Our driveway houses four cars as opposed to the one it did when we moved in and in one short year, it will only house one car again, mine.

This little ranch house seems to be the place I grew up and became me. I should say it is where I grew into the comfort of who I really am and that takes a lot of growing up or maybe just becoming  the most honest version of myself. It is my refuge from a busy world and a soft place to land when days don’t go as planned.

When I moved here, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do for a living or even with my days, I just knew that the end result was to be completely happy.  My life was mine to create, my happiness was mine to create and the happiness of my children was something I was wildly committed to stewarding and guide them to create.

The only really important thing that mattered in that was the home we would live in while doing so.  Our homes are the bigger part of us, the extention of the collective energy that all live in the house. It absorbs our laughter, love and joy but also absorbs our anger, sadness and fear. The walls are literally alive with the predominate energy of what is going on, it’s wildly important to keep the energy positive and clean.

This ranch has had burst pipes, mice infestations, and a ghost or two, but it is happy and filled with a love that extends far beyond the foundation, walls or driveway. What we have created in this home has been intentional and on purpose and has worked.

One evening, after my son came home from college for winter break, I heard him say to his sisters, “The world isn’t like it is in our house, there is no where in the world like it is in our house. We are really lucky.”

I went to the bathroom and sobbed tears of happiness.  The truth is, love and happiness is all we really ever need.

Yesterday was Sunday

Yesterday was Sunday and lately Sundays are tricky for me.

I am not sure why, maybe because it’s the only day that I really

allow myself to slow down or relax and let the day just unfold,

or maybe it’s that I have spent two days with the people

I love most in the world, where we aren’t in the throws of our busy

lives, whatever it is… it’s tricky.

Tricky because for the last few months, I cry.  It doesn’t matter

If the tears are a little sad or really happy, without fail,

I seem to get half way down the bread and coffee aisle

at the grocery store and I start to cry.

Yesterday, it was right in front of honey and jam…

A conversation I had just had entered my brain

and there they were and I couldn’t stop them.

They were good tears, but tears never look like good tears and usually I just abandon my cart, head to the car and cry it out.

The problem with that is, when I do that, I try wrapping my brain around

the tears and end up a mess.

Today, I just froze, tried to stop them and then surrendered.

They dried up and I continued with my chore

(I hate grocery shopping, so it is a chore.)

When this first began, I would avoid going out so I wouldn’t see people.

I couldn’t trust myself, I couldn’t trust my emotions. Was it my mom dying? No, it began before that.  Was it that I am leaving the town where I have lived for the last 10 years soon?

No, because, well, just because and we’ll leave it at that.

As I stood in front of the honey yesterday, I realized it was change!

I absolutely love change, but the last few years I have had sooo much change that I really believe the tears are a release and that is all.

So yesterday, I cried and carried on and then came home sat in front of things that mean something to me, flowers from my garden, a beautiful crystal weight, a vintage tin nicho, my favorite beads, my candle and favorite matches.

Sometimes, when life is “rollercoaster ish” we can settle into what is familiar and for me, those are little tender things. I wanted to share them with you.

Let yourself cry, if you need to cry, it is cathartic. Have a great week!

The Summer Ritual of Letting My Children Go

The summer ritual of letting my children go

Without a doubt the hardest thing about getting a divorce is letting go of your kids.

For me, It wasn’t ending the relationship that brought them into the world, or the life that our family had together at one time, no, it’s letting go of them. Because even if you have full custody and they see their dad for a dinner here or there, on holidays or go on vacation with him in the summer you must let them go.

I am admittedly, not a good sharer, so my kids living 50% with him and 50% with me option, well, wasn’t. The hardest thing for me was in the first years having to let go of the notion that I was going to get my kids for every holiday. The first Christmas was unbearable. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and was sitting in my ex in laws house next to my three little ones as they celebrated the holiday.

Flash forward…

It is 5 years later and all three of my now teenagers pile in a car with their dad and head off to Tahoe for 10 days of summer vacation. A vacation that they take every year with all of their cousins, it’s a tradition.  It’s not even the least bit difficult for me to let them go, it’s part of what will make up their childhood memories and those are more important than they will ever know right now, as they plug in their headphones and set off for a 3 hour drive.

However, up until about two years ago, it was a struggle and as soon as they left, I would busy myself with plans to make their return really special.

In that time when I wasn’t working, I would clean out their rooms, go through the things left behind in school backpacks, do left over laundry, fluff pillows and stock the house up with their favorite foods. It was how I stayed connected to them.

Two years ago, that changed. I had creted a new company and found myself joyfully immersed in the creation of it. I could double down on my schedule, filling it with meetings, gatherings and all of the other things that I didn’t really have time to do when sharing it with “Momdome”.  It was wonderful and quickly moved me out of the codependent habits that I had once let become the norm during their summer trip.

The problem was that I still wasn’t immersing myself in me or my life, The life that I knew one day I would be living and truthfully, the life that I am over the top excited about one day soon coming to fruition.
You see, for most of us with children there will come a time when our children have gone off to live their own abundant lives. Where does that leave us?
Well, hopefully moving forward creating the dream life that we have envisioned during all of those sleepless nights up with teething, stomach flu, high school parties and missed curfews. C’mon, you know the visual, the life of living for you and what YOU want. If you really are at a loss as to what I am talking about, then you need to figure it out and know that the figuring it out mpart is a blast!

I have had the same visual since they were all born and as it gets closer to them all flying the coop, I find myself crazy excited to get a move on too!
Last year, as the kids trip approached, I committed to taking the week off as well, as a vacation for myself. I cleared everything off my schedule and started to create a plan for practicing my “perfect life” week. Yes, I said practice week. I am practicing what my perfect life will look like one summer vacation at a time! I create the environment of exactly what I want that time in my life to look like, down to the meals, chores, music, and flowers.

I start my ritual by setting the intention of living life with children grown up and thriving out in the world on their own. I set another very clear intention on what I want for my best life down to the most minuscule detail and the energy I need to hold to create it.

I clean the house before the kids ever leave so it’s perfect.

Look, kids come with a lot of stuff and who am I kidding, I do too. I have reduced my “stuff footprint” immensely in the last five years and during this sacred time, I reduce it even more.

You don’t need a book, or to hire a person, just start with a drawer and fill up a bag. Don’t worry, the junk drawer will magically fill up again…

On evening one, with beautiful sparkly beverage in hand, I wander into one of my gardens with tiny pieces of paper and a pen.
On each piece, I write down something that I want to manifest into my life immediately. I then bury each piece in the soil, at the base of one of my plants, 1 piece per plant, just like a seed. I say a quick blessing over each plant and toast to the magnificence of the life I lead (gratitude is the secret sauce).As i water and care for the earth my intentions manifest, THIS NEVER FAILS.

Then I release the rest of the week to the magic of living a prosperous life solo and the magic unfolds.

The rest of the week is filled with updating vision boards (I have a bazillion), meditation, dinner with friends on the ranch, journaling, antiquing, walks with the dogs and MY MUSIC!

Music is the easiest way to pull in your energy into a situation you are trying to manifest. Yes, the rap and top 40 that are normally played at nauseam, are replaced with Van Morrison, Ed Sheeran, and Gypsie Kings, they feed my soul.

This time is no longer about feeling connected to my kids in their absence, because I am, this is about connecting to me, my real self, my future self.

It’s practice for how life will look when it’s only me. It looks radiantly beautiful and abundant. I know I will thrive and they will too. I know that I will have joy, laughter friendships and serenity. Life is good, I am seeing to it now.

We must look at that time like a garden. A garden that we are planting seeds now for. If we can take those times that used to give us pause and create magnificence in them, then nothing will catch us off guard, we won’t have to figure it out in a time where we should just exhale and be ready to inhale our own cleanest, freshest breath in.

Now as they filter in the door and Van Morrison has to share air waves with all different kinds of music less familiar to me. I am rested and rejuvenated and centered in all things good for all of us. We are connected to our children through love, not minutes shared in a day.
All of us have dreams and plans, those dreams and plans do not die when we give birth, they are only made stronger by the relationships we tend and of the letting go when it’s time.

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